I don't always wake up at 4 am, but when I do it's to talk to Tim Ray and Shannon Mcvey. 

To be honest I thought we were going to talk about, how to talk to your kids about sex. But if you know me… I'm always up to shedding light on why porn is on my “Ohh Hell No” list. 

Shannon McVey: Let's go back to that after our guest. Let's bring in Emily because she will know a little bit more.

Tim Ray: Emily Gaudreau, she's here today, and let's bring her in right now. Emily, how are you?

Emily Gaudreau: Good morning. I'm fabulous, how are you?

Tim Ray: Oh, we're just having a grand old time talking about sex.

Shannon McVey: Thank you for being on our show.

Emily Gaudreau: Yeah, I heard what you guys were saying before I came on.

Shannon McVey: Was it too much?

Emily Gaudreau: I put that down as the best, weirdest intro so far.

Tim Ray: There you go.

Shannon McVey: Best, weirdest. Story of our life.

Emily Gaudreau: [crosstalk] with the anti pornography [crosstalk]

Shannon McVey: I love that you're anti pornography. I'm very much anti pornography.

Tim Ray: Yeah, she is. Well you find most women actually are. More so than guys for whatever reason. But let's ask that question first. Why do you think that?

Shannon McVey: Yeah, that's a good question.

Tim Ray: Why do you think women are more anti than men with pornography?

Emily Gaudreau: Well, there's a couple sides of it. So my area of expertise is talking about kids.

Tim Ray: Yes. That's when it starts.

Emily Gaudreau: So when we talk about it with adults, there's a couple things that happen. It feeds human trafficking, you actually don't know if the people that are there are doing it consensually, and it also escalates. I mean like 1950s pin up pornography, whatever, okay. And then it escalates and you get more and more endorphins as it goes higher and higher. We're seeing more people getting caught, oh the whole Subway guy with the child pornography and stuff like that. And honestly, you getting off potentially by somebody that's being trafficked, isn't worth it. You hanging out in your basement masturbating, and people's lives are being ruined. Come on.

 

 

 

Tim Ray: In all fairness from the guys' perspective, they're not thinking that, they're not even aware of that.

Shannon McVey: Yeah, but they need to be and that's why it's up to us to bring the awareness.

Tim Ray: I'm not saying that's not true, all I'm saying is they're not getting off that this person is being, most hopefully not, sexually trafficked.

Shannon McVey: I always think about that. And do you associate men that go to strip clubs, isn't that just as bad as-

Tim Ray: Boy, Shannon's taking all the fun out of being a guy now, isn't she? Go ahead.

Shannon McVey: See what I work with?

Emily Gaudreau: Here's what you don't understand. There's a lot better things to do than watching women be sexual. You could actually be sexual yourself.

Shannon McVey: Yeah, exactly. Oh my God.

Tim Ray: That's too close. [crosstalk]

Emily Gaudreau: No, I'm just throwing stuff out there.

Tim Ray: That's too real, we got to keep the digital experience.

Emily Gaudreau: Try it. I don't know. I'm pushing some really off the wall stuff here.

Tim Ray: It is true though. It's almost like a level of voyeurism, I guess, from the videos, the pornography, from the strip clubs to the you name it, reading the Playboy magazine. There is a voyeurism, let's talk about that for a second, Emily. Because maybe there's a much deeper reason why that we're willing to watch this experience rather than engage in this experience. What's your thoughts on that, either one of you.

Emily Gaudreau: Gosh, yeah, it's safe, it's easy, it's cheap. But the price is so high for other people, that's the thing. And honestly, I'm not even really talking about Playboy. We're talking about, when I'm anti pornography, it really is the stuff online. The videos online. Playboy's right here and the stuff that you can find online is just insane.

Tim Ray: It actually is insane. It is the point where, you know about snuff films, it gets really dark.

Shannon McVey: But I think that's a gateway. Playboy's kind of a gateway, and that's what you were talking about wanting more and more.

Tim Ray: It could be, but if I had to jump in and answer my own question on that, I would say this, Emily. Because when you're into the voyeurism role more likely, whether it's Playboy, video porn, whatever, there's an emotional disconnect, there's an empathetic disconnect. And I think it's easier, because our culture here in Western Culture, suffers, I believe from the heart. We don't feel. We're not willing to feel. And I think there's that attraction of pornography, of strip clubs, of whatever may be, because it allows us to have our sexual desires met without feeling.

Shannon McVey: That is so interesting. Holy cow.

Emily Gaudreau: But it really is the primitive brain. You're just engaging in your need to ejaculate. And here's the thing, I just want to point this out, it's not just men. Women as well. And I think it really is feeding our lack of intimacy and it's a go to, it really is a depressive cycle actually. Because there's a lot of shame behind it and when people get addicted, they're not going out, it affects their job. When you talk about addiction to pornography, at first I was like, “Whatever. Come on, you don't get addicted to that.” But you do. People lose their jobs because they can't stop watching it.

Shannon McVey: Or their wives or husbands. I have a couple of my girlfriends where their husbands would rather use pornography than be intimate with their wives. But what you just said makes so much sense because maybe these men-

Tim Ray: Men are more likely to disconnect from feelings than women, so it makes more sense why it would be probably more predominant in men, but let's bring this to the children's level. Because most pornography's developed at a younger age. Pre-teen, teenager, and then amplified as they get older. And then more perverted as they get older because now they have more control of their lives, they have money now, they can do things with those perversions than they could have. Hence sex trafficking. And Superbowl Sunday is the biggest sex trafficking day in the world, which we found out. So that's supposed to be a sports, entertainment, but yet here it is, sex trafficking at its highest. Which is amazing because it's a back room experience, isn't it? You just don't here about it. I didn't see any sex trafficking going on, did you? No.

Emily Gaudreau: Yeah, well. I'm going to say no, I didn't see that.

Tim Ray: But I'm just saying, you know it's happening because the stats say that it's happening. So what do we do for our kids to perhaps deter them from going down this road of insatiable-ness and hollowness?

Emily Gaudreau: Okay, so I want to separate the two. So we have sex trafficking, human trafficking, all that kind of stuff. Our kids, if you were in a stable relationship with your partner, the biggest thing you need to worry about to stop the trafficking, or your kids ending up there, is to keep them in the home. Runaways are the biggest source of where they're getting the girls and boys, whatever. And usually, people are like, “Oh, we almost got kidnapped in Ikea.” And I just want to say, nobody's getting kidnapped in Ikea. I can't even get out of Ikea, I can't even imagine trying to get somebody else's child, I can't even get my child out of Ikea. It's not happening. People getting scooped off the streets, it is people voluntarily going with men or women, madams or whatever, because they want a relationship, they want care, whatever. Because they're living on the streets because they've got a bad situation at home. So that's that part of it.

Emily Gaudreau: And then when we talk about the pornography at home with the kids, now this is a big problem because I hear time and time again, “Oh, he won't do that, she won't do that.” I have heard, and this is what blows my mind, so if that person who said it to me is out there, listen up. They were like, “My son is 12 years old, he's not interested in sex at all. There's no way he would look anything up.” And I just want to say, the chances of your child being completely asexual is nil.

Tim Ray: I agree.

Emily Gaudreau: Your child is a sexual being, I don't care if he squirms when you mention sex, of course he does. You're his dad, his mom, whatever. Wake up, guys, wake up. The kids are going to be looking for it, they're going to find it, they will see it. If they don't find it themselves, somebody else is going to show them how to find it.

Shannon McVey: Exactly, and it starts small. I remember my ten year old was looking up sexy emojis. Really, I didn't mean to laugh about that, but I'm like, that's when we started the conversation, “Oh, okay, let's talk about this.”

Emily Gaudreau: The porn industry knows that. There will probably be a sexy emoji porn soon.

Shannon McVey: Right, yeah.

Tim Ray: True, and they'll make it cartoon like, if they haven't already.

Shannon McVey: That's like anime.

Tim Ray: Yeah, exactly. And it sets neural pathways for the rest of their lives. People say “I'm a butt man, I'm a boob man,” but I remember catching my son when he was early teens on somebody's internet, and pictures of a girl's breasts. And this is when he was first getting exposed to sexuality [crosstalk] and to this day, now all of a sudden, he's probably a breast man, as they would say. But his experience outside of my influence or his mom's influence led him to this road that may lead to some level of perversion that may not be healthy for him, or it may be. So our environment creates this and that's why I think we need to be very conscientious when the kids are teenagers or prior to that to make sure that they're being exposed. Like this internet on the cell phones I think is horrible. Unless you can somehow screen it.

Emily Gaudreau: That's why I tell people, if you've got a kid on a school bus, I hate to say it, but it's like an X rated theater all day long on that school bus. I rode the school bus for an hour and a half when I was a kid, I'll tell you what, it was insane. We did anything, yeah.

Tim Ray: It's like welcome to the jungle. It is, it's like welcome to the jungle because from the bullying, fighting to the sex, the drugs, school bus is where the action is.

Shannon McVey: Yes.

Emily Gaudreau: Yeah, exactly.

Tim Ray: It's pretty scary.

Emily Gaudreau: So this is the thing with the pornography. We were talking about sex education and stuff like this. This is one of the biggest things that you need to be talking about. Can I show some books?

Tim Ray: Yeah, please do.

Shannon McVey: Yes. Should we hold on because we have to take a quick break? Can you talk about this right when we get back from break real quick?

Tim Ray: Yes, okay.

Shannon McVey: Okay, we'll be right back guys, with Emily Gaudreau.

Tim Ray: Welcome back to Awaken Stars on Awaken Atlanta. The number one conscious morning show in the world. And we are talking to Emily Gaudreau, and she is a sexual abuse prevention expert as well as all around gal who sees the world, you see the world in a more optimistic level or do you see it more in a pessimistic level with what's going on with sex?

Emily Gaudreau: I think it's because I'm on the side of doing something about the stuff I don't like, I'm pretty optimistic. This next generation coming up is emotionally intelligent beyond any other generation that we've had.

Tim Ray: Rainbow kids, yeah.

Emily Gaudreau: Yeah, they're very in tune, they're drinking less alcohol, they're aware. We're definitely evolving, it's getting better.

Shannon McVey: That's so awesome. Isn't that encouraging?

Emily Gaudreau: It doesn't seem like it, but these kids are wicked savvy in a good way.

Tim Ray: Well we had a question, we were talking about during break, sexual abuse to me could also be, not the just typical parent or an uncle raping or abusing the child in some family, but being exposed to pornography at a young age. Wouldn't that be some level of sexual abuse?

Emily Gaudreau: Absolutely. And it actually has the same signs and really the outcome.

Tim Ray: Wow, share that. What are the signs and symptoms of that? How can you tell?

Emily Gaudreau: So there'll be withdrawal, there'll be shame, fear, excessive masturbation to the point where they're actually hurting their body, stuff like that. And a lot of times this is discovered in families. They're like, “Oh my gosh, somebody's hurting my child.” And come to find out they've been letting their kid take the iPad to bed, which I'm saying hard no, guys. And then they search the history and they're like, “Oh, this has been going on for how long?” And this is the myth that's causing things like that. Right now we're on the topic and we're like, “No, that's horrible, how could you?” But when it's your child, you assume that they are not sexual beings. When they come out of the womb, they are sexual beings. And if they encounter some mysterious, crazy thing like that, that is in their being to explore. And parents are not taking note of that.

Tim Ray: We're in denial often, aren't we?

Shannon McVey: So how old do you think we should start talking to our children about this? How old do you think the child should be?

Emily Gaudreau: So my sexual abuse prevention stuff starts basically as soon as they're able to talk. You talk about their private parts like you talk about their nose and their ears. You use the right words, it's not shameful.

Tim Ray: What are the right words?

Emily Gaudreau: Vulva, the external part of the female genitalia is a vulva, there's clitoris, labia, penis, testicles, nipples, breasts, that stuff.

Tim Ray: Got you.

Emily Gaudreau: Don't use any slang, just talk about it just like it's every other person.

Tim Ray: Like your “hooha”, something like that, you want to just say the right words.

Emily Gaudreau: You don't talk about your ears like that or your nose. Quit picking your nose.

Shannon McVey: That's true.

Emily Gaudreau: And also, kid's got his hand down his pants or whatever, it's just like your nose. Please, don't do that.

Tim Ray: Give us an example how you'd handle this, because we were arguing earlier about wet dreams. Shannon was like, “Oh, I'd never say anything to my kid about a wet dream.” I'm like, “well, the girl's going to have their period, you want to tell them what to expect on that. Same thing with that.” Boys especially, they have these and wake up and they're a mess, like, “What happened?” How's that conversation go in your family?

Shannon McVey: I'm so uncomfortable right now.

Emily Gaudreau: Okay, good. Here's the thing, when you get uncomfortable, that's your shame. So you got to jot that down, it's weird. There's weird stuff that comes up that you're like, “Why am I feeling this way? This is so ridiculous.” Write it down, take note of it, and go, “Okay, how do I want to?” And with some of this stuff, first of all the boys probably don't want to hear you talking about wet dreams, but there's books. Just buy the books, have them there. I have handful of books here, I read them to my daughter, and the younger kids are super interested in it. But just have the information available other than Amazon. Because you look up “what's a wet dream?” Not Amazon, I hope Amazon is not delivering that.

Tim Ray: Google.

Shannon McVey: It's a children's book, too [crosstalk]

Emily Gaudreau: Google.

Tim Ray: Pun intended, yeah.

Shannon McVey: I have an important question about, let's go back to the sexual abuse for one moment, because you were saying “talk to your kids about it.” Now, there is such thing as putting your trauma so much on your children, so there's a line, there's a balance here. I talk to my four year old almost every month, probably because I'm so petrified of that happening to her. Because when it happens to you, you freak out. Okay, so there's that. However, I have a friend, it happened to the mother, and so she talked to her kid about it, and the kid ended up not wanting to see her biological father, so made up a lie saying, “oh, he touched me.” Because her mom placed her trauma on this little child. So how do you balance that? Because you can't push it too much on a kid. There's got to be some sort of art to this, because you don't want your kid to lie because they know, “oh, mom will listen to me. Mom will know if I say that guy touched me, she'll never let that person around me again.” So they can manipulate that way.

Emily Gaudreau: So here's a couple things about that. You never talk about your own sex life.

Shannon McVey: So you don't tell your kids that you were sexually abused?

Emily Gaudreau: Especially not if they're little. Honestly, nobody wants to think of their parents as sexual beings anyways, ever, till infinity.

Tim Ray: True.

Emily Gaudreau: So you can talk about, there's sex, and then there's your sex life, and you keep that private.

Shannon McVey: Forever? Or can you talk to them when they're old, age appropriate?

Tim Ray: 60, 40. [crosstalk]

Emily Gaudreau: When they're older you could say “I was sexually abused.” But when they're older, you don't want to talk about what position you like.

Shannon McVey: No, of course.

Emily Gaudreau: Well you say of course, but I've heard a lot.

Tim Ray: Parents who do. And that's where the parents want to become the friend more so than the mom or dad, right?

Emily Gaudreau: Right.

Tim Ray: So show us some of these books. What are these books that you have here and why are they so important to share with the kids? Okay, here we go.

Emily Gaudreau: Okay, so this one is by Kristen Jenson, it's “Good Pictures Bad Pictures”, and all it does, it's super simple, it's really cute.

Tim Ray: Open it up.

Emily Gaudreau: All it does is basically tell the kids what to do if they see something online that's not appropriate. So throughout the book, there's a little camera that they have to find throughout here. Like “We have fun watching movies and videos-“

Tim Ray: And then there's Cinemax.

Emily Gaudreau: Yes. But it says there's poisons, there's things under the sink that are bad for our bodies. There's actually things on the internet that aren't good for us.

Tim Ray: What age appropriate would that be? That book.

Emily Gaudreau: You could start reading this as soon as you're reading to your kids. This is for the young ones.

Tim Ray: Okay. So, I don't know, when do kids start reading? 5, 6?

Shannon McVey: So I should get that for Winnie.

Tim Ray: Yeah, exactly.

Emily Gaudreau: No, you read it to them.

Shannon McVey: Yeah.

Tim Ray: Oh, you read it to them, I got you.

Emily Gaudreau: 5, 6, actually you're too late. You need to be starting sooner than that.

Shannon McVey: Oh, really? Okay. Well I'm going to get that book right away because I have a four year old.

Emily Gaudreau: Here's the thing, if they're online, it's like letting your kid play in the street. You tell them about the cars day one. So honestly, we've had all this stuff with YouTube, here's a tip, YouTube, I don't know if you heard that they put in all these sexual videos that are Elsa Redone where it's like a porn. So stay away from YouTube. The PBS app on your phone is the only thing that they should be watching, honestly.

Shannon McVey: Okay, good, I have that one and I got rid of YouTube, mom win. Sorry, I got excited. Keep going.

Emily Gaudreau: That PBS app, they can go and choose the shows, they're all educational, they're all good. It's not the public. Anytime you invite the public into your home or your whatever, come one. Your house will get wrecked.

Tim Ray: Yeah, exactly.

Emily Gaudreau: And then Kristen also has this “Good Pictures Bad Pictures”, this is for the older kids. It just goes a lot deeper into the psychology of addiction to pornography and why it's like a drug and what to do if you see it and can't get it out of your head. Which is really important.

Tim Ray: See, that's the worst part because the real damage is done is the mental imagery that is going on that people will start their own perversions based on an experience and a memory that they just can't get out of their heads.

Shannon McVey: I remember my first picture that I saw of pornography, I was like seven years old. You remember too, probably to a T.

Emily Gaudreau: Oh yeah, I will never forget that.

Shannon McVey: You know what I love about your heart and why you're doing this and even showing the books and why they wrote it? You're teaching safety, you're teaching solutions because you can't just say “don't get on the internet,” because that's not attainable. Like you always, “Don't get on the internet, buy a bunker.” It's unattainable so-

Tim Ray: Buy a bunker, buy a flip phone, Shannon, flip phone, not a bunker.

Emily Gaudreau: Go to Mars. Yeah, you can't do it. And honestly, somebody's going to show your kid.

Shannon McVey: Right.

Emily Gaudreau: It's just a matter of time. And in your own home, this is what I teach, it's like weather. You go outside, it's everywhere. So you've got to prepare your kid for when they go out, and if they experience it, they have things that they can do to protect themselves. But your own home is a safe spot. You put the lock down, it's one of the few places on the planet that you have full control of. Get rid of the sexy magazines, don't listen to music that is abusive to people at all, any type of person. And lock down the phones. There's no reason for anybody to be on the internet past bedtime.

Tim Ray: Honestly, Emily, the more I've gotten involved in seeing what's going on, and as adults you got your own perversions you got to deal with, but when it comes to your kids, it seems like everything's fair game. You got to do whatever you got to do. But is it not an epidemic level now? We used to look at cigarettes, cigarettes were acceptable, it was normalized. And now it turns out they're extremely addictive and unhealthy and dangerous. Same thing with what's going on with this internet and the pornography. They're making the AVA sound all glamorous, strip clubs are glamorous, you want to learn how to work a pole. Girls want to grow up to be strippers and they have just glamorized this whole lifestyle to the point where it's normal.

Shannon McVey: Like one night stands.

Tim Ray: We all think it's normal, right? And here you're saying it's just the opposite. And what parents do is they back away, they're lost in their jobs, they let the television and the iPad and the cell phone raise the kids now. They literally do. And you're talking about this is the most dangerous time for your children to be exposed to this right now.

Emily Gaudreau: Right, so here's the deal. Your kids can watch stuff. Just regulate it. It's just like with the food. It depends on what you bring in the house. Like I said, just decided, do your research. And like I said, I do this all the time. The only place my daughter is allowed to watch stuff is PBS. And you can go into accessibility on your phone, and you can get it to where you can lock them into the app. You hit the home button three times, and then they're locked in the app. She feels like she's got all the freedom in the world, and sometimes the girl got to get away from me.

Shannon McVey: I think that's great advice, and that's very attainable. That's an attainable goal. That's something to strive for.

Tim Ray: And when do you think it's age appropriate for a kid to have access to the internet, especially if you're able to control it?

Emily Gaudreau: You mean as far as them being able to go in and like, “I need to do homework.”?

Tim Ray: Or have access to the internet without you being there, but yet you could have your locks in there. I don't think children should have the internet or cell phones until they're seven years of age. Not even to play with the cell phones. Just for the EMF exposure, alone. Not to mention the access to the internet.

Emily Gaudreau: Ideally, yes. But I will say that right now, we're in a world, because of the sex trafficking and stuff like that, everyone is so afraid of letting their kids go play out in the yard. And in some places, Child Protective Services get called if your kid's riding their bike out by themselves or something like that. So we're isolating ourselves to the point where parents do need tools sometimes. And I'll be honest, I was completely anti media, but being able to have my daughter watch shows, it's the best babysitter. She will not move. Honestly, nothing is happening. She will sit there. Like you said, ideally. Do not give them a phone of their own as long as you possibly can.

Tim Ray: Yes, I agree with that 100%.

Emily Gaudreau: Everybody's like, “Yeah, but they're going to see it other places.” Yeah, of course. But it's different when you set a precedent. We don't do that, we're different. And you're going to get pushback and they're not going to die.

Shannon McVey: Right. Hey, Emily, where can people not only get involved with what you're doing with the sexual abuse prevention, but find the books. How can people look you up?

Emily Gaudreau: Okay, you could go to emilygaudreau.com, I'm sorry, my name is hard to pronounce and it's really long.

Shannon McVey: We'll write it in the bottom.

Emily Gaudreau: You guys did a good job, though. Or howtoraiseamaverick.com. I also have a podcast, and that's a general parenting podcast where I slip in little tidbits of-

Tim Ray: You got to have us on that. Shannon and I want to come on your podcast.

Emily Gaudreau: All right, what are we going to talk about?

Tim Ray: We'll talk about Shannon's dysfunctional sex life.

Shannon McVey: That's so messed up.

Emily Gaudreau: Well I heard you guys talking the dating advice about the-

Tim Ray: Yes, absolutely. Yeah, there you go.

Shannon McVey: What would your advice be to that lady if she's still listening?

Emily Gaudreau: Here's the thing: women have those vibrators by their bed, I don't care how big the penis is.

Shannon McVey: Yeah, that's my girl. Emily, thank you so much for being on our show. And talking with us.

Tim Ray: What a great way to leave. Yes, you are wonderful, Emily. Again, one more time, people reach you where?

Emily Gaudreau: Howtoraiseamaverick.com or the “How to Raise a Maverick Podcast”.

Tim Ray: All right.

Emily Gaudreau: Or emilygaudreau.com

Tim Ray: You are fantastic, Emily. Thank you so much. Hang on one second as we go to break here, guys-

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